Welcome back, ladies and gents, to another year of Shades of Zero! And you know what that means: it’s time to get in shape! To make resolutions you can’t keep! To promise yourself that this year will totally be different!
However, I have to warn you about a dangerous, insidious group of people who are probably trying to lure you right now with promises of bulging biceps and the always-important ability to drag a truck out of a ditch with your teeth.
The Cult of Crossfit.
“Your workout is my warmup.”
Oh hey, that’s not condescending at all! Never mind that you don’t even know me or what my workout is like, your dismissive attitude is adorable. Also I’m pretty sure you could not do my workout as your warmup. If you can, holy fucking shit you are a working out robot.
Which I suppose is possible.
Listen. I get it. You like working out. Great. Me too. We’re not that different, except:
- I don’t feel the need to constantly talk about it
- I don’t pretend like I know The One True Way To Fitness
Therein lines one of the problems with Crossfit: It assumes it is The One True Way. All other routines are bullshit. Zumba? Fuck you. Boot camp? Bunch of nerds. Regular gyms? Ha! Please, plebian.
The Extremely Annoying Minority
Let’s be clear here: Not all Crossfiters are flaming douchenozzles. The majority of them just quietly go about paying ungodly sums of money to be yelled at by people as they drag tires across parking lots.
They’re lovely people, really.
But there’s an extremely vocal minority and they are givin’ Crossfitters everywhere a rep. You know them.
Every morning they make a post about how they never rest and they’re up for the WOD. Or they’re sharing videos about “Things CrossFit girls/guys do.” (lolwut.) Or taking pictures of their paleo meals (cause we don’t get enough sepia-toned dinner plates on Instragram, thanks).
The important part is that they love CrossFit and if you were to go several minutes of your life without hearing about it, it’d be a goddamned tragedy.
What is this, a gym for rich people?
Of course, many CrossFitters are in great shape. As they should be. That’s what happens when you devote your life to learning to swing kettle balls around.
I’d get it if you were interested. Who wouldn’t want to spend all their time hanging out with people who don’t wear shirts?
Well it’ll cost you. At New Haven Crossfit, for the low low price of $175.00, you can get 12 whole sessions of on-ramp in a month! Twelve in a month! For only $2,100 a year! You could get an old Corolla for that!
Or you could pay someone to yell at you because your squat isn’t quite parallel (dummy). Of course, you’re also paying for the experience. Like having someone take pictures of you squatting. Which you’re sure as fuck going to make your new profile pic because you drank that Kool Aid long and deep.
For these prices, you pretty much have to.
The Important Part is Victory
Don’t forget about the CrossFit Games, either. You see, it’s not enough to be fit or be proud of how you look. The important part is being better than other people. Arrogance as art form.
Enter the CrossFit Games. Where you can compare your times on things like the “Zig Zag Run” and “deficit handstand push-ups on ballistic blocks.”
What’s a ballistic block, you ask?
It’s a fucking block. That’s it.
But it’s got the word ballistic in front of it because it’s CrossFit for fuck’s sake.
Now write them another check.
What do you have against CrossFit, anyway?
Honestly? Nothing really. As I said before, most CrossFitters are fine. And even the really arrogant, won’t-shut-the-fuck-up-about-it ones don’t really get under my skin because I’m too apathetic to care.
And when you get right down to it, anything which encourages fitness is a good thing. You know, as long as you aren’t getting yourself killed.
My problem is a simple one: the my-way-or-the-highway approach to fitness. Not everybody has the same goals.
If you want to be a long distance runner or a power lifter, CrossFit is probably not the best solution. Some people, like myself, prefer to work out alone, with their music, rather than in a group setting. Each human being is different. So the notion that there’s a one-workout-fits-all solution which happens to be brutally expensive is… well, it’s a load of shit.
That being said, if it works for you, then keep doing what you’re doing.
But there’s more than one way to build a body. I’d rather spend 10 or 20 bucks on a gym and take that extra money and invest into the ballistic blocks industry.
I hear business is good.