Why I Believe Hillary Clinton Should Be President

I know, I know.

I am a human adult male who has not suffered irreparable brain damage and yet I believe, somehow, that Hillary Clinton would be a better President than Bernie Sanders.

I like Bernie Sanders. He’s a cool guy.

I like some of his ideas, like socialized health care.

I liked them when the GOP attempted to set fire to Hillary Clinton for trying to make it happen in the 90’s, but hey, at least she helped insure six million kids. I liked them when the GOP left Obama’s mangled political corpse on the floor of the Congress when we barely walked away with expanded Medicaid and the abolition of terms like pre-existing conditions.

They even called it Hillary-care. And then they murdered it.

They even called it Hillary-care. And then they murdered it.

But nah, that’s just what the Democratic Establishment wants you to think.

That’s just The Man and Bernie Sanders totally isn’t The Man, no matter how many consecutive decades he spends as a professional politician.

The Democratic Establishment is Not The Enemy.

Sorry, Bernie. Like I said, I like you.

But the problem isn’t people like Hillary Clinton, who represent the mainstream Democratic Party.

If the Senate had 50 Hillary Clintons, your insurance would be so good you’d be be too busy hang gliding to worry about politics.

Suck it, Trump.

Suck it, Trump.

The problem is that this country has a whole lot of Republicans. And do you know what they hate?

Government-run health care. More financial regulations and taxes on investments.

Free college? Oh yeah, they love giving free stuff to poor people, didn’t you hear?

But I get it. It’s a primary. So Hillary Clinton is the supervillain, cackling behind a mountain of private email servers and Goldman Sachs money. It’s those Wall Street fat cats.

They’re the ones telling that puppet Clinton what to do! Which must be why she’s against Citizens United! And wants to raise the minimum wage to a $12!

And impose a tax on high-frequency trading. And close hedge fund loopholes. And impose risk fees to the largest financial institutions.

That monster.

Oh, sure, who doesn’t love a little revolution.

Listen, I’d love to wake up and live in a world where people give a shit and vote in midterm elections and actually call their Congresspeople once in a while but that is not this world.

A trillion dollars in infrastructure spending? Sure, who doesn’t love that?

Well, besides the Republicans who rejected a budget deal they haven’t even seen yet. Because Obama, the head of the evil Democratic Establishment Empire, was trying to increase infrastructure spending. Not like, Bernie Sanders-level. Still.

But Bernie Sanders wouldn’t just promise us free college and health care and just not deliver.

He knows it’s gonna be hard. It’s going to require a revolution. A grassroots movement. I’m sure if we keep all just keep donating $27, the kids will all come out to play at the midterms and we’ll sweep to an enormous victory all across these majestic plains! You want to keep donating more often than every four years, don’t you? To help this country that’s ready for this Bernie Fever that’s sweeping the nation!

Really quickly, before we grab the pitchforks, let’s just see how ready this country is, Congressionally-speaking, for this revolution:

US House 2014

By Kurykh – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=36571326

Aw, man.

Okay, so, obviously, we have a little ways to go. But the problem is that people just don’t get it. If only conservatives, moderates, and liberals alike could hear the message of Bernie Sanders, they, too, could see the wisdom in his vision!

After all, he’s been saying them for like 40 years and now look where we are!

I don’t need someone who tells me what I want to hear. I need someone to run the world.

Sure, maybe we can get money out of politics. Maybe I’ll find 20 bucks tomorrow. You never know.

But politics is more brutal now than ever. And when the Republicans come and they keep slowly stripping away reproductive rights, and our voter rights, and the rights of the LGBTQ community?

Maybe I want someone who’s withstood two decades of Karl Rove attack ads and is somehow still standing.

Do you have it in you, Bernie? You got any skeletons in that closet, buddy? A self-described “socialist Democrat” probably hasn’t said anything too scary-sounding over the last 40 years, right? I’m sure the GOP SuperPACs are probably just gonna let anything too weird go, right?

Do you think you could do it on center stage, far away from the very small, very liberal, very white state you’ve represented for so long?


But I look at you, Bernie, and then I look at Hillary, and I think, you know what?

I think she can do it.

I look in her eyes and I’m almost afraid for the Republicans. She seems like exactly the kind of person I’d prefer to have on my side.

She’s your problem now, GOP!

Listen, do I trust Hillary Clinton? Not really. I don’t trust Bernie Sanders, now that you mention it.

In fact, I trust like, seven people. And you probably aren’t one of them, either.

But when I look at Hillary Clinton, I think, you know what. That lady is smart as hell. Way smarter than me. She’s learned and forgotten more about policy than I’ll ever know.

She could walk away and keep collecting speech money and lie on an island somewhere sipping Piña Coladas and instead she wants runs to run a country full of dummies like us?

I look at Russia, and I look at the rising tide of Islamic extremism, and I hear Bernie Sanders screaming, I didn’t vote for Iraq, and I look at Hillary, and her flaws, and I think: she could do it.

I’m almost afraid for Putin.

I look at the aging Supreme Court, and I wonder about some Republican President and what manner of foul demon they’ll summon to replace any Justices, and it worries me.

Smaug Destroying Town

Would Smaug overturn Roe v Wade?

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Hillary is just a corporate shill and as soon as she gets elected we’ll become the United States of Comcast. And then maybe I’ll even put my pants on and join the revolution.

But I think she’s going to keep fighting for the same things she’s fought for most of her life, despite being raised on the wrong (Goldwater) side of the political tracks — expanded health care, expanded education for kids, reasonable financial regulations, paid sick leave, stricter gun control, ceaseless protection of women’s reproductive rights.

You know. All those terrible things the Democratic Establishment wants.

Those bastards.

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